Purposeful

A lot has changed, once more.

I got lost again, in a different way, and lost that driving force. I got consumed in my own emptiness.

To sum up my year, I had started working full-time again, which was great, but my roommate had to move to California. Naturally being unemployed for half the year left me with no money to pay for my bills.

No roommate.
No money.
Back to the parents I went.

The new job started great, but eventually their ugly truth came out. Everything that they went for, went against all of my morals. Some days work literally made me sick. It wasn't all bad though. I learned so much and made incredible connections. But I had to get out because the job took a toll on my mental and physical state.

I was becoming empty. Purposeless. I would come home after work and immediately get into bed. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't read, I wouldn't do anything but lay there. For hours. I stopped working out. I stopped eating healthy. I just stopped.

So, I quit.
And I found another job. A great job so far. Fingers crossed it stays that way.
And then I moved.
On my own.
Living by myself.
For the first time ever, completely and utterly alone.
So alone that I don't really know what to do with myself after I've exhausted looking at my phone or browsing the internet or watching netflix.

...It's just me.

But then I realize it's exactly what I need. Because now I'm here writing in a blog that I've barely touched in the last 6 months. I'm here taking care of myself, proudly paying ALL of my own bills. I'm here, doing something, rather than wasting my days.

So here's the plan for the next year as I learn to live by myself. I'm going to rediscover that fire that burned inside of me and I'm going to use it. I want my creative side to blossom again. I miss drawing, reading, blogging, and writing. I miss learning how to cook and exploring my surroundings. I miss living.
And for once this blog will come of use, because this will be my virtual diary of all those things that are waiting to burn.

Priorities

Some days I feel a bit lost. As silly as it sounds, some days it's hard to keep track of myself, of who I really am. I'll think that I really need or want something when in reality, it's just a false want. A false need. 

Here is a list of things that matter to me. They are my life priorities, the true wants and true needs. I mentally keep this list with me as a way to stay connected to who I truly am, who I'm aiming to be. 

In no particular order:

• Health. I like to be active. I want to always be active. Outside, inside, I don't care. Not only do I want to be physically active, but mentally healthy. I struggle with both, but slowly I'm overcoming them. 
• Travel. I need to travel. It's one of my most favorite things to do. And I'm not talking about the destination (even though I love that too) I'm talking about the journey. The car rides, hopping on planes, seeing new places, new people. Learning about new cultures, meeting new people. It keeps me grounded, I think. It makes me happy.
• Reading and writing. I've been writing a lot more now (hopefully soon I will be posting more here). After I workout, I'll go to a coffee shop and write. It's my happy time, it relaxes me. I've always wanted to write a book. Even if it's the shittiest book ever, I've always wanted to say hey look, I wrote that. It's always been a dream.
• Simple things. I don't want to get caught up in the world and freak out about the pettiest things. I don't need a big house or a nice car to live life. I don't need materialistic things. In reality, all I need are the simple things. Like watching the sunset, or listening to two people laugh, or even hearing the waves crash against the shore on a calm summer night. Those are the things that matter most.
• Work. I want a job that makes a difference. I want to help people. I want to tell stories that bring upon changes. I want to make my life useful and purposeful. I want to give as much as I can to as many people as I can while I'm alive.
• Knowledge. I always want to be learning. Learning from people or things, learning more about my profession, learning from my mistakes and the mistakes of others. 
• Connections. Depth. Positive influences. Real conversations. Real relationships. I'm tired of wasting my life on people that don't matter or people who use me and don't care. My life needs to be around those that love and support me and vice versa.
• True love. I've read too many romance novels, I know it may sound a little ridiculous, but that's what I want. I believe it exist. I believe it's out there. I want to be loved. I want to feel wanted and taken care of. I want to feel protected and safe. I want to feel silly and free, yet also feel desirable and womanly. I want to be challenged and to grow as a person. I want to love with all my heart. And I want him to feel all those things too.

There you have it, my silly life priorities. 

The Obligatory Post

Exactly one year ago, I was broken.

I was coming out of a very delusional, desperate, abused state and I was in so many pieces. I really didn’t think that I would come back from that. I was dead on the inside. There was nothing left.

At least I thought.

Oddly enough, 2015 has been one of the best years of my life and here’s why.

I never gave up and I learned.

My year wasn’t peaches and cream. Though a lot of the year had many great moments, I faced a lot of tough times, too. In the end, everything that happened gave me another reason to smile. It made me appreciate the things that I had failed to see before.

Here’s a recap of my year. Ready?

I moved to Dallas.

I went to Vegas with my dad.

I went to Vegas again but this time with friends.

I lost my Job.

I tried to start up my own business.

I failed starting up my own business.

I worked incredibly weird jobs and met a lot of unique individuals.

I fell in love.

I had my heart broken.

I went to Vegas again, but with strangers.

I almost lost my grandmother.

I became a substitute teacher.

I started working as a video editor again.

Here are some of the things that people don’t usually want to admit:

I was angry. Bitter. Depressed.

I lost a lot of good friends.

I was alone a lot. Like really alone.

I had my heart broken a couple of times in different ways.

I was stupid with my money, which prevented me to eat sometimes.

I made bad judgment calls.

I started last year at my lowest and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that. But I pushed myself, to fake it. Fake it until you make it. I put on a big smile, and I forced myself to pick up those pieces and to not only put them back together again, but to build something new, something stronger, something better.

 I looked at every experience with new eyes, I learned how to be alone and to accept myself. What I really learned was how much I loved me and I’ve never taken notice to that before. I never had the time to ask myself what I wanted and to truly seek it. Well, I finally had the time and so I took the opportunity to get to know myself. I did things on my own and took pleasure in doing so. I had the time to read, draw, and exercise, whatever to really find me. And what I found was a girl that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I had buried her, and I don’t know why. But I found her and I loved her. I loved her so much confidence just poured out of me. I’m not talking about physical confidence (though there was some of that) but confidence to believe in myself.

While I know there is so much that stayed the same and is the same, I can also say that I’m vastly different.  I believed that I was nothing and now I know that I’m everything; everything that I put my mind to.

2016, I welcome you with ease. I know that no matter what, I am blessed beyond words to live another year, to see more growth, to learn new things, to meet more people, to have more experiences and to share my love with those I love.