On Love

I was once asked to write about love. A philosophical question, really. He asked not what is love? But rather, "what is love to you?" 
It's funny, because I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. Yet, I had no idea how to respond to his question. 

I loved him. 
Yes, loved. Past tense. Maybe still present, but him and I are over...not that we were ever official to begin with, but feelings were deep. Deeper than any of my real relationships.
I haven't spoken about him much. Maybe hinted about him from time to time, but nothing so openly as other things in my life. But, it's been 4 months since we last spoke and I'm still hurting. I suppose I should tell you his name, but apart of me wants to keep that to myself. Instead, I'll call him L.

Fuckboys. No, not a verb and a noun. I meant "fuckboys," the new term which literally means how it sounds. They are the new men of this generation that do whatever it takes to fuck a girl, and then when they get what they want, they ghost* you.

L isn't a fuckboy. I just wanted to clarify. Now that L is no longer in my life, I'm dating. I suppose I've been dating on and off for the past three years and for those past three years all I see are fuckboys. Everywhere. And maybe that's why I can't answer the question. Because I don't believe in love anymore.

I did at one point in time, because I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. I envisioned a life with him and for once, I felt a sense of peace. A sense of safety. A place to call home? Is that what real love is? Is that what that is supposed to feel like?

I loved others before L, but to me this one was different. This one was deeper than physicality or lust. It was refreshing. I was known.

Now it's over, and I'm even more lost than before. Because I thought I had it, right there in the palms of my hands. I thought I had everything. I thought that life had meaning.

Dating seems pointless, but I do it anyway. To get out of my head, to get over L, to do something different. But all it does is make me realize how much I don't love love. And as much as I yearn for it, I've lost the ability to believe that it truly exists.

So maybe that's what love is to me. Something that might not exist.

*Ghost you - quietly disappearing and never talking to you ever again because they don't give a fuck. 

2017

Like everyone else, I have been reflecting over the past year and wondering what 2017 will entail. I feel like a new year shouldn't be a clean slate, but rather a dirtier one. Each experience adds another speck of dirt, another ring around a tree trunk, another star in the sky. I want my life to grow and expand from those experiences; the good ones and the bad. Every year is a foundation but every day is a chance. A chance to be different, to be kinder, smarter, better.
This picture is my favorite from 2016. Some days will be bad. Some days will feel like theres no purpose but oh how life brings you wonderful, beautiful moments like this one that brings back a spontaneous night of venturing out into the darkest of places and being among the stars. And that's a memory you don't forget. 

Purposeful

A lot has changed, once more.

I got lost again, in a different way, and lost that driving force. I got consumed in my own emptiness.

To sum up my year, I had started working full-time again, which was great, but my roommate had to move to California. Naturally being unemployed for half the year left me with no money to pay for my bills.

No roommate.
No money.
Back to the parents I went.

The new job started great, but eventually their ugly truth came out. Everything that they went for, went against all of my morals. Some days work literally made me sick. It wasn't all bad though. I learned so much and made incredible connections. But I had to get out because the job took a toll on my mental and physical state.

I was becoming empty. Purposeless. I would come home after work and immediately get into bed. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't read, I wouldn't do anything but lay there. For hours. I stopped working out. I stopped eating healthy. I just stopped.

So, I quit.
And I found another job. A great job so far. Fingers crossed it stays that way.
And then I moved.
On my own.
Living by myself.
For the first time ever, completely and utterly alone.
So alone that I don't really know what to do with myself after I've exhausted looking at my phone or browsing the internet or watching netflix.

...It's just me.

But then I realize it's exactly what I need. Because now I'm here writing in a blog that I've barely touched in the last 6 months. I'm here taking care of myself, proudly paying ALL of my own bills. I'm here, doing something, rather than wasting my days.

So here's the plan for the next year as I learn to live by myself. I'm going to rediscover that fire that burned inside of me and I'm going to use it. I want my creative side to blossom again. I miss drawing, reading, blogging, and writing. I miss learning how to cook and exploring my surroundings. I miss living.
And for once this blog will come of use, because this will be my virtual diary of all those things that are waiting to burn.

Priorities

Some days I feel a bit lost. As silly as it sounds, some days it's hard to keep track of myself, of who I really am. I'll think that I really need or want something when in reality, it's just a false want. A false need. 

Here is a list of things that matter to me. They are my life priorities, the true wants and true needs. I mentally keep this list with me as a way to stay connected to who I truly am, who I'm aiming to be. 

In no particular order:

• Health. I like to be active. I want to always be active. Outside, inside, I don't care. Not only do I want to be physically active, but mentally healthy. I struggle with both, but slowly I'm overcoming them. 
• Travel. I need to travel. It's one of my most favorite things to do. And I'm not talking about the destination (even though I love that too) I'm talking about the journey. The car rides, hopping on planes, seeing new places, new people. Learning about new cultures, meeting new people. It keeps me grounded, I think. It makes me happy.
• Reading and writing. I've been writing a lot more now (hopefully soon I will be posting more here). After I workout, I'll go to a coffee shop and write. It's my happy time, it relaxes me. I've always wanted to write a book. Even if it's the shittiest book ever, I've always wanted to say hey look, I wrote that. It's always been a dream.
• Simple things. I don't want to get caught up in the world and freak out about the pettiest things. I don't need a big house or a nice car to live life. I don't need materialistic things. In reality, all I need are the simple things. Like watching the sunset, or listening to two people laugh, or even hearing the waves crash against the shore on a calm summer night. Those are the things that matter most.
• Work. I want a job that makes a difference. I want to help people. I want to tell stories that bring upon changes. I want to make my life useful and purposeful. I want to give as much as I can to as many people as I can while I'm alive.
• Knowledge. I always want to be learning. Learning from people or things, learning more about my profession, learning from my mistakes and the mistakes of others. 
• Connections. Depth. Positive influences. Real conversations. Real relationships. I'm tired of wasting my life on people that don't matter or people who use me and don't care. My life needs to be around those that love and support me and vice versa.
• True love. I've read too many romance novels, I know it may sound a little ridiculous, but that's what I want. I believe it exist. I believe it's out there. I want to be loved. I want to feel wanted and taken care of. I want to feel protected and safe. I want to feel silly and free, yet also feel desirable and womanly. I want to be challenged and to grow as a person. I want to love with all my heart. And I want him to feel all those things too.

There you have it, my silly life priorities. 

The Obligatory Post

Exactly one year ago, I was broken.

I was coming out of a very delusional, desperate, abused state and I was in so many pieces. I really didn’t think that I would come back from that. I was dead on the inside. There was nothing left.

At least I thought.

Oddly enough, 2015 has been one of the best years of my life and here’s why.

I never gave up and I learned.

My year wasn’t peaches and cream. Though a lot of the year had many great moments, I faced a lot of tough times, too. In the end, everything that happened gave me another reason to smile. It made me appreciate the things that I had failed to see before.

Here’s a recap of my year. Ready?

I moved to Dallas.

I went to Vegas with my dad.

I went to Vegas again but this time with friends.

I lost my Job.

I tried to start up my own business.

I failed starting up my own business.

I worked incredibly weird jobs and met a lot of unique individuals.

I fell in love.

I had my heart broken.

I went to Vegas again, but with strangers.

I almost lost my grandmother.

I became a substitute teacher.

I started working as a video editor again.

Here are some of the things that people don’t usually want to admit:

I was angry. Bitter. Depressed.

I lost a lot of good friends.

I was alone a lot. Like really alone.

I had my heart broken a couple of times in different ways.

I was stupid with my money, which prevented me to eat sometimes.

I made bad judgment calls.

I started last year at my lowest and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that. But I pushed myself, to fake it. Fake it until you make it. I put on a big smile, and I forced myself to pick up those pieces and to not only put them back together again, but to build something new, something stronger, something better.

 I looked at every experience with new eyes, I learned how to be alone and to accept myself. What I really learned was how much I loved me and I’ve never taken notice to that before. I never had the time to ask myself what I wanted and to truly seek it. Well, I finally had the time and so I took the opportunity to get to know myself. I did things on my own and took pleasure in doing so. I had the time to read, draw, and exercise, whatever to really find me. And what I found was a girl that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I had buried her, and I don’t know why. But I found her and I loved her. I loved her so much confidence just poured out of me. I’m not talking about physical confidence (though there was some of that) but confidence to believe in myself.

While I know there is so much that stayed the same and is the same, I can also say that I’m vastly different.  I believed that I was nothing and now I know that I’m everything; everything that I put my mind to.

2016, I welcome you with ease. I know that no matter what, I am blessed beyond words to live another year, to see more growth, to learn new things, to meet more people, to have more experiences and to share my love with those I love.

Laws, Vibes, Personal Legends

I recently picked up some books, Law of Attraction and The Alchemist. Both of these books, though they are very different, gave me some insight that I’d like to relay to you.

Do you believe in coincidences? Or fate?

Definition of Law of Attraction: I attract to my life whatever I give my attention, energy and focus to, whether positive or negative.

My first puppy-love? I first saw him in the hallway four years before I had ever made contact with him and I knew there was something. Some feeling, some cosmic-power, some kind of vibe.

In the ‘Vibrational’ world, there are only two kinds of vibrations, positive and negative. Every mood or feeling causes you to emit, send-out or offer a vibration, whether positive or negative.

Is it possible that I wanted something so bad that I sent a positive vibration out into the world to be read? Is it possible that my energy caused him to notice me and like me too that eventually we ended up together? I really don’t know.

A few months before my grandmother passed away, I lost the only piece of jewelry I owned, which was a ring; a favorite ring that could only fit one particular finger because all my other fingers were tubby, while the right hand, ring finger was the most slender. When I learned of my grandmother’s passing I knew I wanted to take something back with me as a reminder, but I had no idea what, I just knew that I wanted something of hers to always be with me. Randomly, my cousin graciously gave me a ring, a ring that belonged to my grandma. She was very petite, and had long, slim fingers, much slimmer than mine. I looked at it in my hand and it honestly reminded me of the scene in Lord of the Rings (nerd alert) when Isildur grabs the ring and it shrinks within his hand so it would fit, because that ring fit that one and only finger of mine perfectly.

Again, is it possible that I called into the universe and it heard me? Is it possible that my energy brought this about?

Positive and negative emotions cannot occupy the mind at the same time. One or the other must dominate. It is your responsibility to make sure that positive emotions constitute the dominating influence of your mind.

“You scare me because I want to fall in love. But that’s stupid. Besides, you’re better than me and I’d screw it up somehow. I know whatever we have won’t last forever. But I don’t know how long it will last and I want it to last forever because I don’t want either of us to hurt. Yet, I also know that I’m the one who would screw it up. I’m the guy who would sleep with some random chick because I’m horny and traveling and then when it hurts you, beat myself up over it,” said the boy I loved with all my heart. I said, “Well, we will handle it when we get to it, but I really want to be something with you, so let’s give it a try.”

The call was made and the universe heard.

A year later, after many, many, doubts, after numerous ‘I don’t want this to hurt’ or ‘don’t cheat, don’t do this, don’t do that,’ he did.

When you make a statement containing the words don’t, not or no, you are actually giving attention and energy to what you don’t want.

There were too many coincidences that happened, too many out-of-the-blue-serendipity type moments. The things that I focused on, I received. Good and bad. When I really, truly wanted something, I was given the opportunity to seek it.  When I really feared something, it happened. I believe now, more than ever, things do happen for a reason, even the bad things.

It’s a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your Personal Legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It’s your mission on earth.

At times both the past and the future overwhelm me. I remember what was and I am saddened by how things turned out and other times I look towards the future and fear for the worst. Luckily, I’m catching myself more and more and retraining my thoughts to focus on the present, to think positively and to attract better things. Thankfully, my outlook is much brighter which helps me on days when I'm feeling down. I have to remind myself that this is my journey and everything that happens on my journey was and is supposed to happen as a way for me to grow.

My mind is a little restless, so my apologies for the randomness and sporadic thoughts. Hopefully it gave you a little bit of insight, too?

First move...my actual move!

Since this blog is called "making a move is required," I suppose I should mention the fact that I moved! For the first time in my life (sorta) I left home and moved to the big city of Dallas! I'm actually pretty amazed that I moved, but it was necessary and has been long over due. I'm not all the way unpacked since I still need a few things, but I am finally settled. It's actually starting to feel like a home. My home.

I was once told that I should not live alone and while I was extremely defensive at the time, he was right. So lucky for me I have a really nice roommate and I have a feeling by living with her, she will show me a new world and a new world that I desperately need. This move has been a significant change in my life. I'm scared shitless honestly, but also very pleased that I'm becoming more independent and growing.

This new home is my fresh start. It's a new beginning in so many ways. For one, I'm not driving past my old life anymore. I'm not wasting my life stuck in traffic right near my Ex's apartment nor am I strolling past the apartment we used to share. I'm not living with parents that reminded me of how much I needed to move. Now I am officially on my own, making my own way.

If you ever want to move here, here are a few things I have found out about living in the city:

• You have to pay for your own grocery bags. Only a nickel for each bag, but be aware.
• Drivers are much more pissed off. I think I've been honked at more times here than ever before in my life. 
• Be prepared to parallel park everywhere you go... or have cash for valet. By the way, I'm awesome at parallel parking now!
• The city is a lot more quiet than I expected. 
• Dogs and joggers are everywhere. Everywhere! 
• So are bums. 
• You can pretty much walk anywhere. Need drinks? Right down the block. Food? Groceries? Gym? Clothing store? Right there. 
• There are different niches in the city...You've got your Uptown everyone-knows-everybody-because-we-all-get-brunch crowd, there is the Deep Ellum lets-all-drink-and-show-everyone-we-are-all-artsy group. Oak Cliff is the ghetto-but-keepin-it-classy-with-our-bishop-arts-district and then a plethora in between everything else. 

This city really is an interesting one and I can't wait to explore it and share my adventures! Please forgive me for slow posts. The move, plus working 60+ hours has had me physically as well as mentally exhausted.

But here is to a fresh start!